“Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words shall never hurt me”
The way I see it, the rhyme was intended as a defense against name-calling and verbal bullying, to increase emotional resiliency, stay calm and avoid physical retaliation.
That may all have been true at one time, but these days, a new motto has been coined it goes something like:
“If wrong words will upset me
I will make police to get thee”
Politically correct speech and behaviour has become a greater threat to society then COVID 19 will ever be.
What happened? What life experiences caused this upside-down movement? Now people that are looking for a balanced discussion are not only verbally, but even physically attacked, and the attackers can do so without consequences. At the same time, a person refusing to use “legislated language”, will be in trouble with the law.
Growing up as an outsider on the wrong side of the tracks, I had my share of experiences with the full arsenals of bullying, words intended to upset, sticks and stones. I know firsthand that they all can hurt. However, shouting back “bad words shall never hurt me” is a harmless weapon of defence, that leaves one feeling less helpless.
I remember one incident, where I had to run, dodging various flying objects, while yelling “your words cannot hurt me” or something like that. Being able to shout those words, and thinking that if I had to, I probably could outrun my menaces, almost made me feel victorious. That is until during my retreat, I turned my head and a sharp-edged piece of clay tile connected just below my left eyeball. So I know, stones can hurt. In this case no bone was broken, but the cheekbone caused the tip of the clay tile to break off, the doctor didn’t notice the fragment when he gave me a few stiches, the wound got infected and took extensive medical attention. On the very positive side, I didn’t loose my eye. Thinking back, with gratitude, this was one of many situations in my life where I was spared from what could have been a great calamity.
Stones can definitely hurt, and to a point that in some part of the world stoning to death is still being practiced. Not a very appealing thought, but it should remind us of what we have in our democratic western society, and how we got here.
Can words hurt, sure the can and do every day. Let’s take “I don’t love you”, “you didn’t make the cut”, “I forgot our anniversary”, “you are a liar”, “you got an F in English”, “you stink”, do I need to go on? As long as people can talk, there will be words that someone will find hurtful.
The refrain of a song performed by Heino, one of my favored German volks singers, goes something like “Thank you (or thanks) is more than a word, (true) thank you resonates through the heart” The Bible says “as he (man) thinks in his heart, so is he” What that tells me, is that in order to get the correct meaning of certain words, they need to be cross-checked to the intent of the heart.
To address what may be taken as offensive language, one must first look at the intent and context in which the words were being used. There are four main categories:
- Thoughtless and ill considered
- Stating an unavoidable fact
- Difference of opinion or view
- Mean spirited, intended to inflict damage (words may be true or not)
Number four represents an offence that must be condemned.
Hurt feelings arising out of number one to three must be addressed through open dialog, unencumber by legislated vocabulary or political correctness. Discussions must be genuine and honest, using practical language, to point to practical solutions.
Legislation can limit people’s free speech, but it is unable to resolve differences of opinions. Laws can tell people what the can or cannot do, but they are powerless to change minds. The overreaction by governments to address social issues through laws that provide for special treatment of certain people groups, is ill conceived. This approach does not even qualify as a cease-fire, never mind a peace agreement between opposing views. The resentment that such speech restricting laws create only reinforces the fronts of conflicts, and polarizes opinions.
Every debate needs a balanced range of perspectives, because we only learn if we are willing to be challenged by different ideas.
Open and free dialog is a cornerstone of a democratic society, and the only way to resolve differences, meaning that ultimately both sides agree, or are finding a mechanism that will allow them to “agree to disagree”.
One of the main roots of hurt feelings appears to be people’s confusion about their own identity and self-worth.
The Bible states “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God saw everything that he made, and indeed it was very good” If the world could agree that this establishes the identity and worth of every person, no exception, then all people problems would be solved.
Some time back I was introduced to a book entitled “White Fragility” Not being at all familiar with the term “white fragility”, I took a closer look at the subtitle, which read “Why it’s so hard for white people to talk about racism”. Now my curiosity turned in to concern. Here I was, a white man in his senior years, that did not know what “white fragility” was, being told that I was also unable to talk about racism. Well, since it was a “New York Times #1 Bestseller” and thus, by popular opinion, must contain special wisdom, I ordered a copy from Amazon.
Waiting for the book, and since racism is a heavy word, I decided to do some warm-ups, to be ready for the heavy lifting, once the book arrived.
Not withstanding extremist groups, there is a general consensus that racism is to be condemned. However, there is no agreement on the definitions of racism. Since there is no shortage of interpretations of the word racism, I will not add my own version, but rather affirm the equality of every human person before God and the law of the land.
Believing that inherent differences among various people groups determine cultural or individual achievement, is not racism, it is a fact.
I’m no biologist and have no idea if DNA is part of the “inherent differences”, but I know for a fact that practicing certain virtues, making them habits and passing them on to your children and community, are a big part of it.
Habits like, order, diligence, conscientiousness, patience, honesty, respect, self-control, delayed gratification, and the list goes on.
I will leave it by that for now, and have my “book review” next time.
Horstt